Ben Taylor – Page 2 – Sally Taylor

Day 28 – “Sometimes Hums Along” – February 10, 2000

There is a draft in my heart. I try to shutter the door against it but the cold gets in. I am pregnant with a sorrow that tosses in my belly, kicking to be born into song. I go through Kipp withdrawals 6-7 times a day. Sometimes they manifest when I’m feeling lonely and instinctively want to call him to tell him something funny or ask his advice about something I’m unsure of. I miss him at bedtime. I miss him in his kitchen at Timber Trails making breakfast and matte. I miss him at night, out on the town dancing his unique straight-arm dance. Most of all, I miss the man who was my best friend—the one I shared my time, secrets, fears, joys, body, dreams, and life with for the past two years. Now, he’s gone, and I hide in the studio, away from the ghost of Kipp who still lingers in my home. Ugg, my home with its unmade bed, unwatered plants, sleepless nights, and screaming phone. Ugg, my kitchen with its haunted faucet that drips, drips, drips into my subconscious, blending with an assortment of hums, mumbles, and sighs.

To make the situation more confusing, in the midst of losing Kipp as my boyfriend, my brother has decided to take him on as his manager. I have no idea how to navigate this situation.

Thank God for my mama. She’s been there for me through all of this. All my instability, regrets, fears, anger, and insecurities. Last night, she stayed on the phone with me until my tears sealed my eyes shut, then lullabied me into a stream of dreams. She managed to give minimal advice—just comfort, which is all I really wanted, not a cure. Definitely not a cure. A cure would require energy I just don’t have right now. This morning as the dull winter light haunted my room, she called just in time to distract me from my impending woes. She told me she’d found photos of herself in the studio from when she was pregnant with me. One of them had a speech bubble she’d written at the time that prophetically read, “Hey mom, let me out, I’ve gotta sing my song.” She read me old-school reports from when I was six as I drove north up Broadway, and stayed on the phone making me laugh until the mountains around the studio ate our cell reception.

In the newfound silence, I was consumed again by my grief. Boulder was white—like frozen breath, blank sheets on the bed, Clorox, sheep, sightless eyes that cannot sleep. There was nothing outside except white, as though someone in charge made a typo in the morning and ended up whiting out the entire day.

I grabbed my guitar from the trunk and walked, coffee in hand, through the narrow parking area towards the studio. I was looking down at my mug to make sure I didn’t spill when I walked straight into a 13-foot pole saw tied to the roof of Chris Wright’s midsize Mitsubishi. For anyone unfamiliar with this style of tree-trimming device, it’s a combination of a scythe and saw attached to a long pole used to reach high limbs. These tools are notoriously sharp in order to accommodate the user’s lack of leverage from the ground. The blade struck me right between the eyes and before I made it through the door I could feel blood pouring down the bridge of my nose, cascading down my chin and dripping into my mouth. Soucy put ice on it and some lavender oil. Chris Wright arrived as Soucy was patching me up. He was in striped pajama bottoms slurping milk from a bowl of Captain Crunch, and between bites mumbled something about “gotta watch where you’re going.” It’s official; I hate Chris Wright.

We’re working on vocals for “Without Me,” which seems appropriate. It’s a song about how lonely and hollow it feels to be loved when you’re disassociated and without yourself.

I know there is a day outside
A night or a starless dawn
I’ve seen her out there smiling
Just off the front porch lawn
She’s sitting up impatiently
In her best wedding gown
She’s waiting for the spring to come
And though she has no voice for song

I feel she enjoys listening
And sometimes hums along.

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Boulder, CO – “Sibling Show” – Trilogy Wine Bar – January 14, 2000

I’d booked the gig months ago without considering two key circumstances:

1. I’d be in the throes of preproduction with barely enough voice to laugh with let alone belt out a solo acoustic show with.
2. I probably didn’t have enough material to cover a two-hour set by myself.

As the days approached the opening of Boulder’s newest nightclub ‘Trilogy,’ my limitations, both vocally and mentally, became painfully apparent.

Pre-production was wearing on me. It was wearing on all of us. 11-hour days spent on our feet, basking under fluorescent light bulbs, strapped like mules to our instruments — it was grueling. The worst part was that there were times we’d be approaching the completion of an arrangement only to realize, four hours in, that we’d been moving completely in the wrong direction. Michael White, our producer, has the patience of a monk—something the rest of us lack. We’re moving at a rate of 1.5 songs a day and I’m so saturated by my music it’s hard to bear another listen. I wear my jammies to save myself time when I return home late at night. I eat health store sugarless gummy worms between takes and drink yerba mate tea. I try to keep my voice from slowly disappearing but there’s no doubt about it, it’s going; and now… this gig.

Realizing I’d need help filling a two hour set, I called my brother Ben, who happened to be in Boulder for his own show. “Wanna play a gig with me this Friday?” I asked, I’ll be fun,” I promised but didn’t know exactly what to expect myself. He agreed and a great pressure was lifted off my back. I was truly jazzed to play with him. We’ve never really done anything like it before. I mean sure, he’s come up to sing backups at shows, but we’ve never actually co-worked a room. I was looking forward to it.

It snowed the day of the gig. Big chunky flakes landed and stuck like velcro to my sweatshirt as I walked, head bent, guitar in hand, toward the venue. Sound check was smooth in the spanking new theater. Pedicured red velvet curtains kissed the hem of the stage and candles, shackled in iron sconces, tripped and bounced their light against black, high-gloss walls. I asked the manager, Josh, if there was a backstage Ben and I might work on some harmonies. Josh looked worried — a ‘left my keys at home’ worried, not a ‘the venue forgot to create a backstage’ worried. Then he remembered ‘the storage space’ and directed us to a large-ish closet furnished with partially unpacked boxes, an overhead bulb, and a couple of low stools, which no doubt had been recently set up for us. We were grateful for the privacy. The storage room’s pine shelves were lined with jumbo jars of garbanzo beans and stewed tomatoes. Bottles of foggy, blue-grey, clam juice stared down at us from the mezzanine as we took our seats.

We worked up a set list and some loose harmonies in that little storage room. As friends arrived, they joined us in our closet. It was a comedy of errors as we packed ourselves in like sardines, hung snow-covered jackets on broom poles, and knocked drinks out of each other’s hands with rogue shoulders and elbows.

The sibling show was a success. Our harmonies were effortless and our banter was playful. We slipped in and out of songs like old familiar boots. The crowd was energized and somehow knew the words to some of our songs. By the end of the night, I realized I’d managed to hold on to most of my singing voice even though my talking voice was completely gone. I sold some CDs and even traded one for a massage. When the candles were blown out and the new Boulder club stage had been christened, Kipp escorted Ben, Brian Mcrae and I back out into the storm and up to the Fox Theater to watch Carl Densen’s Tiny Universe. We funked out to in proper form into the farthest reaches of the night.

One more day of preproduction. Oh please, tiny voice, hold out.

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New York City, NY – “A Musical Reunion” -The Mercury Lounge – June 11, 1999

The venue wore vampire black…Typical of New York, so I wore red.

Our trip into my hometown earlier in the day was chaotic, to say the least. Cabs and trucks with signs that read “Caution: Toxic Material” darted in and out of our lane, expecting our extend-o-van, chock full of heavy musical equipment, to be able to stop on a dime. Brian, cursed behind his teeth, behind the wheel as he navigated the congested highways. It was a maddening cycle of stopping, accelerating (to avoid being cut off), and slamming on the brakes, all while backseat drivers yelled conflicting directions: “Not this exit,” “Get off now, turn left… Left!,” “Do not go over this bridge! Whatever you do, avoid the bridge! Oh no!” The heat was oppressive. We bit our nails to the quick and with every jolt, engaged in an impromptu, all-afternoon, abs workout. But eventually, we made it to the Mercury Lounge and somehow, despite the chaos, managed to call all our old friends to invite them, last minute, to tonight’s show.

We were two hours “fashionably” late for our sound check and asked to leave the stage almost as soon as we arrived so the staff could set up for the first event of the night; a fancy private party we clearly were not invited to.

If I were generous, I’d describe The Mercury Lounge’s greenroom as a dungeon designed for a play about Hades. We corkscrewed down so many castiron flights of stairs I lost count. The underground landscape was illuminated by yellow bulbs that flickered and jittered to the beat of the traffic above. We were escorted through a maze of insulated pipes painted black, down below the subway system, down deep into the hot belly of the dark city.

Huge mutant black flies buzzed threateningly past us like knives swimming in shark-like patterns. How did they get down here? I wondered. They looked like part of some lost dinosaur lineage or a gruesome subset of the fly mafia. Our escort unfurled a spool of keys and ushered us inside a cell-like closet. Inside was a bench on a cement floor, and we took turns sitting on it, swatting away meaty mob boss flies and waiting for midnight for our set to begin.

When we were released from our jail-like greenroom and took the stage, the black box of a joint was full of friendly faces. I recognized people in the audience from 3rd grade, 6th grade, Tabor Academy, Brown University, and summer camp. I saw family friends, friends of family friends, friends I’d met on vacations, and even friends who insisted they were friends who I swear I’ve never seen before in my life.

My glorious brother Ben showed up with his girlfriend, Bridge to surprise me. I didn’t even know he was in the city. He sneakily jigged in front of the stage mid-set. His face shone out of the darkness like a Francisco Goya painting. I thought he might have shaved his head bald but when I instinctively called him up to sing with me, I saw he had, in fact, dyed his hair white blond; a style I hadn’t seen on him since grade school. He looked great and it was beyond glorious to have him with me on stage.

Wired after an inebriating gig, my brother, a crew of old friends, and a handful of new acquaintances who insisted they were old friends, cabbed it to Tribeca for dinner at Walker’s. Somehow I got stiffed with a $300-dollar bar tab. So much for new old friends.

Back across town, we limped, through the slow strobe of lamp-lit streets, to our pal Ian’s pad. The last surviving soldiers of our group hiked a steep flight of marble stairs to find our beret-wearing host at his door wearing a guitar and little else. Inside, the party raged on. With a hodge podge of Ian’s instrument-wielding friends, we played until 4:00 a.m.

An air-conditionless apartment made near nudity a necessity and we stripped and nessled into a pile of Moroccan rugs. A dozen candles guttered in the early morning air. An assortment of comfy sofas cupped out tired bones. Incense billowed through stained glass bay windows, and a tall arched ceiling offered the perfect amount of reverb to our well-spent voices. The music and incense eventually lullabied me and tucked me into colorful dreams. I fell asleep on a velvet maroon sea of a sofa, my head propped against a stranger’s shoulder, my feet rolled up like a splif, in a sheepskin rug.

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Los Angeles, CA – “Best Night of My Life” – The Troubadour – March 20, 1999

Last night was the BEST night of my life and I don’t say that lightly. When
people say: “When pigs fly,” or “In my wildest dreams,” I now know what they mean. I was in my wildest dreams last night and pigs were filling the sky. I don’t even know where to start, the shock hasn’t completely worn off and the grin (from ear to ear) doesn’t seem to go away even after sleeping.

We got to the Troubadour for a 6:30 load-in. After losing my voice almost entirely after the Galaxy show, I did a vocal fast during the day, nervously opening my mouth at 5-ish to see if it was still there. It was horse so I decided against a vocal warm-up (my usual practice). Luckily, it came back almost completely for the performance itself.

I’d never been to the Troubadour despite it being where both my parents made their start. It’s a tall room with a balcony facing east and a huge stage that takes up 1/2 the room and faces west. We sound-checked, grabbed a bite, and did a little interview with a very nice Canadian man and his wife outside on Santa Monica Boulevard.

At 8:15 I went backstage to get dressed. My boyfriend, Kipp came up and said
“Sally, there’s some guy named Joel from Martha’s Vineyard here to see you.” I couldn’t think of who Joel might be. Confused, I followed Kipp into the hall. At the bottom of the stairs, there was my beloved brother Ben and his girlfriend Bridge, who I’d previously been told were in New York. I was beyond surprised and excited.

My brother asked if I’d call him up on stage for “Happy Now.” I was honored he wanted to sing with me but when I called him to come he said: “I’d like to invite one more person up here.” In turn, I replied, “Oh great, I invite you up and the next thing I know, the whole audience is up here.”

And out from stage right I see someone coming. It doesn’t look like anyone I know. And then, the spotlight catches her and I almost die right there on the spot. It’s my mommy. My sweet adorable mommy came all the way from the east on a plane (which I know she hates more than anything in the world). And there she is, standing next to me, and then on her knees hugging me, and were both laughing and floating 5 feet above this stage. This stage where 28 years ago she was discovered and I’m more happy than I’ve ever been in my life.

They joined me on Happy Now and then left me to finish up the show.
But I didn’t need to finish. I didn’t need anything else ever. I could
have just laid down and died and said I’d already lived my dream.

It just don’t get better than that does it!

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Aspen, CO – “Post-Gig Gifts” -The Howlin’ Wolf – December 29, 1998

We’ve played The Howling Wolf two nights in a row.

My audience is so generous. People shower me with unmerited gifts after shows. Some give me pot, some mushrooms, some validation, some drunken hugs, and sometimes someone gives me pieces of myself I thought I’d lost for good or didn’t even know to miss. Sometimes it’s a photograph or the recollection of a summer day our paths crossed at a county fair. These are the most precious of post-gig gifts. The true benefit of celebrity affiliation is that people collect pieces of your life you didn’t know to make precious in the moment. Here are a few such gifts.

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New York City – Mom’s Birthday – June 26, 1998

It was Mom’s birthday yesterday. She sits so tenderly inside my soul these days. I can feel her hand on my hand guiding me tenderly into this scary world of music. She took me into the living room in the early morning light, overlooking Central Park. She told me she was proud to watch me producing my own record saying “You have to pass the torch on at some point, you know.” Her eyes twinkled with restrained emotion. The fabric of her, I cradled in my arms. How can this brilliant, pioneering, sweet angelic spirit be part of my makeup I thought. She asked me if she could play me one of her new songs and when I said “Of Course mama!” she sat me down on the red velvet couch, fiddled with the dat recording device, and made unnecessary disclaimers about the sound quality and vocal performance before sitting beside me and holding my hand. Of course, the song was beautiful. It was deep and soulful. I felt so close to her and feeling close to her I felt closer to the sky.

Ben made focaccia bread birthday cake and lit a votive candle. We sang Happy Birthday which Mama couldn’t help but sing along to in harmony. By mid-day, I had to get down to BootsTown Studio to finish up mixing with Wendy and Michael. When I got there they gave me the bad news: “We’re not going to be able to finish all 11 songs. You got to cut one.” They recommended “In My Mind” saying it just didn’t sound as “quality” as the rest of the tracks.

I asked for a moment to think and went into the drum booth to reclaim my stolen breath. I was confused. I felt so attached to “In My Mind” being on this record. Who knows if I’ll ever make a second one, this might be its only chance to shine. I walked back into the windowless control booth and announced “I want ‘In My Mind on there. Let’s do what we need to to get it done.” I felt the wind knocked out of my colleagues who’ve been killing themselves with 18-hour days to get these tracks done. My guilt at their herculean efforts led to my relenting ½ way through the mix, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe the song’s not worth it.” I said. “We’re all tired.” I felt sick to my stomach leaving the song dead like roadkill on the battleground of the studio floor. It seemed to yelp as it joined the other discarded 2-inch tape on the chopping block. By 3 am I was home looking through old drawings from 1979. In the morning I met up with Wendy on a park bench near a hot dog vendor. “I’m afraid we might have to—“

She knew what I was going to say. “Whatever Sal. We’ll do whatever you want.” I could have kissed her on the mouth. We returned to the studio where Michael threw a silent fit but finished “In My Mind” in only an hour and a half. Ahhhhhhhh. I feel so much better.

Mixing is completed

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Boulder, CO – Mom & Dad React to my Demo – April 5, 1998

I successfully handed out all 10 copies of my rough demo of songs on my trip to LA. Some of the songs I recorded with “Not Eric,” now calling itself “Tiny Yellow Ducks.” Others I recorded on my 4-trac in my apartment which feature the scratching skills of Fatty J who likes to get in on the action. I felt weird about handing out my cassettes with their handwritten song titles. It was so self-promoting and forward but when I was sure I was going to die on the airplane back to Denver I kept chanting through hyperventilating breaths “Everything is gonna be OK” and “Your babies (songs) are out there.” And that made me feel reassured.

I woke up to an enthusiastic message from Mom. Overly enthusiastic in fact. She was raving about my music. “I just got the tape this morning and it’s so amazing. I’ve only listened to the first 4 songs but I love ‘Complaints’ and ‘In My Mind’ is great and ‘Sign of Rain.’ The line about Alex liking when the weather matches how he feels inside is fabulous.” It was sweet of her to overzealously compliment my music. Before I put the cassette in the mail to her I told her how much her opinion meant to me and how vulnerable I felt about sending her my “Babies.” She was excited for me but in my heart, I disbelieved her enthusiasm. It felt too expensive and perhaps too elusive to claim.

Dad met in Boulder for lunch at “Dot’s Dinner with a bunch of my pals, musicians, record company execs, and Kipp, my new boyfriend. Clustered into a red pleather booth inside the makeshift gas station, we bribed waiters for egg white omelets and talked shop.

Back at Dad’s hotel room #300, I played him a couple of songs: “Cowboy” and “I Meant To” which he tweaked and twanked but said he liked a lot. “I’m blown away by what you do with your voice.” He told me, “Your soul really comes through in your music.”

“That means a lot to me pop.” I said and of course, that was an understatement.

He asked me if I wanted to take Ben’s route into the music business: “You know, find a manager, a record label, and a booking agent and go all in?” he asked, elbows on knees watching the floor like it were a taro card. I Couldn’t tell if he was offering to help me or not. “You’ve got what it takes to make it in the industry though I’d never wish this career on anybody.” He said. “Being a musician, it’s a blue-collar gig my Sal. It takes a ton of elbow grease and grit and it ain’t easy on relationships either” He said.

It was the first time I actually believed such a thing (a big famous-filled career with all the glitz and all the shit) was possible. As I peered in at the possibility in the cloud bubble above my dad’s head, the idea looked not so appealing. Too big, too scary, too fast. Too many sharks swimming in the icy dark water. So I said “No. No pop. I think I want to go it alone.”

Leaving Dad and walking back up the hill to my pad it hit me, I don’t really know all that goes into a music career. You think I would, having grown up with two legendary musicians as parents but frankly, I don’t even think they fully know.

As the sun dipped below the surface of the day I realized I wanted to create my own label. I want to find my own band, I want to book my own gigs, and do my own PR until I know how much I’d pay someone not to have to do those jobs anymore. I want a hands-on music business career.

My pace picked up as the night grew sweater-worthy and I passed by the Fox Theater where people qued in Birkenstocks to see Zuba in concert. The first thing I’m going to do next week is make a better recording of my demo tape, next, I’ll find a bunch of band mates and then. I’m going to buy a big ass van.

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