Boulder, CO – “Musician or Star” – Tribes Rehearsal Space – September 3, 1998

Once upon a time I believed I needed to be a star to be important, to be loved, to be loveable but in the process, I stopped loving myself and started loving an image of myself.

“The music business is harsh,” Mama said, “the closer you get to #1 the greater the insecurity.  The more success you get, the more you feel you’ve got something to prove.  You can never rest.  Your next album has always got to be better…” and all I can think as she speaks and I unintentionally strangle the receiver is:  ‘This is not me.  This is not who I am.  I am a musician.  I am not a ‘star.’  Thank God I am not signed to a label.’  Yet here I am in this little parked car with 800 CDs in the trunk.  I sold a few in the mail this week which I packaged and sent off with little handwritten thank-you notes.  I also got an order from a record store in Japan which I think is pretty cool and wild.

I rehearsed for the upcoming Tomboy Bride gigs with Kenny Castro (bass) and Brian McRae (drums) last night at Tribes Drums headquarters.  Tribes is a major upgrade from the Doppler Circus garage space.  It has an actual heating system, a soundboard that doesn’t crackle and threaten electrocution, and looks out over the mountains where the sky blushes at sunset.  Brian and Kenny are AWESOME and have agreed to be my rhythm section (Thank God!).  They showed up to our first rehearsal with bells on, and my songs memorized and ready to be counted off.  But my guitar player of choice, Jeremy Lichter from Martha’s Vineyard has been flakier than a chemical peel.   It’s a terrible sign that he’s still not here in Boulder two weeks after his due date and he hasn’t even called me.  I just have to pray he’ll be here soon and know the material. 

As I returned to my apartment the sky was chock full of stars and I could feel autumn in the air.  ‘This is the first Fall I won’t be returning to school in my LIFE’ it occurred to me.  But I reassured myself that this next chapter will still be an education for me; a musical education.  No matter what, Fall always feels to me like a new beginning, like the first dunk into a cool pool, a baptism.