Saratoga Springs, NY – “Kyle is a Comic Genius” – Cafe Lena – May 11, 2000

7 am was out of the way but worth the detour to get to watch the morning bloom from the back of the van—the fog lifted its skirt to the day and a hemline of mist settled in the tops of the trees the way lint gathers at the end of a broom. It was a beautiful drive to Saratoga Springs. In the highway median, grass waved wildly like enthusiastic spectators along the Queen’s procession.


Kyle, our new drummer, is a comic genius. He’s had me laughing since day one when someone, admiring his drumkit asked what kind of skins he used and without a beat, he responded “Babies.” We ate Twizlers on the ride to Saratoga and made up pseudonyms for our future selves to check in to hotels under.

“Mine will be Sally Taylor The Second,” I said jokingly and Kyle responded his would be Sally Taylor The Second’s drummer.

“Ya know,” said Kyle, “Ice Cube uses the pseudonym O’Shea Jackson.”

“Hu,” said Kenny ripping a Twizzler from the bag, “why.”

“Because,” said Kyle “It’s his name. Despite common wisdom his mother named him ‘Ice Cube’ at birth, he’s actually O’Shea on his birth certificate.” We didn’t hear the end of his deadpan delivery because we were laughing so hard. Delucchi had to pull over onto the soft shoulder so his convulsions wouldn’t get us into an accident. While we were stopped, Kyle took the opportunity to play us his new Dan Bern CD, “Tiger Woods,” which did nothing to improve our howling laughter nor Delucchi’s driving abilities. We’d be late for sound check.

Café Lena’s floors bent and slouched here and there and its paint-flecked walls leaned in as if to tell us their secrets. Oh how I wished they could talk, would they have stories to tell — about Bob Dylan who played here in his heyday with Joan Bias and other folk founding mamas & papas. Needless to say, it’s an honor to get to count myself amongst those folking heroes and musical pioneers.

Read More About Cafe Lena


Handsome Dave wearing a green apron, greeted us with hot Lemon Zinger tea and we set up for sound check. Spring light poured like an eager audience, through Lena’s crooked-toothed windows. Before we were done checking, a crowd had arrived. They sat patiently sipping cappuccinos and mochas around old, round, wobbly tables the way Europeans sit in cafes in oil paintings.

Already on stage, we decided to forego our vocal warm-ups and costume change and simply started our set where the sound check left off. It was a spectacular evening though I got the feeling people were waiting not so much for our songs to begin as they were waiting to clap at each song’s end — like they were worried they’d miss their cue for applause. It was a little weird, but overall, nice they were so eager to show their appreciation.


After the show, John Quale from USA 1 Stop (one of our CD distributors) gave me the nicest compliment. It wasn’t about my voice or songwriting or how tight we were getting as a band. “You’ve got a very well-oiled machine,” he said “No one in this business works as hard or as efficiently as you do.” It brought tears to my eyes. There’s something about being seen for the work you do off the stage by someone else in the music business that means more than anything. For the first time in a long while I felt successful. I gave him a hug and climbed back into the van.

Hoboken, NJ – “Kraft Mac & Cheese, The Perfect Anti-Theft Device” -Maxwell’s – May 10, 2000

I awoke to someone yelling loudly in Spanish in the hallway. Hoboken, I remembered where we were almost immediately, as I reached my eyes toward a headboard clad like Elvis in white and gold. The bedsprings screeched reluctantly under my every movement. The bottom sheet, detaching from its embrace revealed an immoral, floral matrices below. The lampshades were pink and the bright jungle print comforters matched the opaque drapes. They looked like they’d just come off the set of “The Love Boat.” My mother would HATE this place, I thought to myself as I tripped toward the bathroom wearing an oversized John Forte “Poly Sci” T-shirt.

Hoboken, N.J, Maxwell’s

The door was unlocked and I opened it to find Delucchi staring skyward with a confused expression on his face. Looking up I discovered the ceiling was a wall-to-wall mirror. “What in the…Why?” He muttered with authentic concern as we both broke into bent-over laughter.

The show last night at Maxwell’s was pretty odd. The cellar-style venue, once known for having forever altered the face of the New York music scene, has hosted every band I can think of — Nirvana, REM, The Smashing Pumpkins, and Yo La Tengo just to name a few. A torrential thunderstorm drenched hopes of a sold-out show but, thanks to Soucy’s family-sized guest list, we had a reasonable and very enthusiastic turnout. Kenny blew his bass amp toward the end of the second set and the storm managed to flood our green room but the good news was no one got electrocuted as I’d expected. The night turned into one of those damp-to-the-bone scenes where everyone (band and audience) looked on the verge of hypothermia.

I was warned when we arrived, that Hoboken’s notorious for car break-ins. With over $100,000 dollars worth of equipment in our van I was nearly frantic to find a way to protect our gear when I suddenly had a brilliant idea. Leaving the band scratching their heads, I dashed into a corner bodega and returned with a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I threw it on the dashboard with a loud, “Ta, da.” The boys looked confused.
“Theft deterrent!” I exclaimed.
“How is Kraft Mac & Cheese theft deterrent, Sally?” asked Kenny with a, I can’t wait to hear this, expression on his face.
“Nobody’ll want to break in if they think this is the kind of grub we’re eating,” I insisted. The band burst out in laughter….


…but it worked. Thanks, Kraft Mac & Cheese.

Philadelphia, PA – “Birthing an Album” – May 9, 2000

My lids creaked open as though on rusty hinges. There was the type of crunchy, featherlight comforter I’ve come to associate with motels, over my head turning the pale light of morning into a red and gold lava lamp pattern on the starched sheets. Though still early, Philadelphia was already surfing the heatwave the forecasters had predicted. Through an open window, I could feel the heat radiating off the parking lot cement. I could hear motel residents in wife beaters sweating and swearing and retrieving things from cars and slamming trunks. There was no chance of getting a jog in without acquiring heat stroke or potentially getting stabbed so I doggedly slugged down the stairwell in my tube tops, towel in hand, sleep still staining my eyes, to the hotel gym. It was a sorry sight — a converted supplies closet with a broken upright bike, a stair stepper thingy, a pair of mismatched hand weights, and a slack-chained rowing machine I made myself sit on for 20 minutes before resorting to yoga and stretching. The History Channel was on. And snippets of useful information leaked like a faucet into my brain to mingle with the remnants of my dreams.


We have a marathon of Eastern gigs on the horizon — both a curse and a blessing. We’ve been out for a week and I’ve already lost my voice. I suppose I was asking a lot of it to work 7 nights in a row. It is officially our first day off and I’m officially on vocal rest. But honestly, the road is like a vacation compared to the last 6 months making the album. I think the best metaphor for it would be childbirth. Not that I’ve ever been pregnant (other than with song).

Birthing an Album


Conception:
First, the spirit of songs comes in the middle of the night, insisting on being brought to life. they force you out of bed, put a pen in your hand and a guitar in your lap before you know it, gestation has begun.


1st Trimester:
The songs knit themselves into your body and soul the way the sun braids gold into the ocean’s face and you start to glow all over.


2nd Trimester:
You clean out the clutter. Anything superfluous needs to go. You get rid of verses and choruses that don’t serve your baby and start to imagine what it will look like.

Birthing Class:
Lamaze is pre-production. You practice and practice and practice and breathe hard so that when the time comes, labor will be easier.

3rd Trimester:
You anxiously enter the studio. You try not to think about the possibility of birth defects, unexpected fees, or extenuating circumstances and you wonder if you’re actually up to the challenge after all. Will you love this baby? Will others? Have you picked the best producer to father it? What band members will help raise it? You question if labor will be as hard as your mama said it would and wonder if it will be delivered by its due date (oh please let it come by its due date). You question what it will cost and if your heart, soul, and pocketbook can afford it.

Labor:
By the time you get to the mixing studio you’re exhausted and ready to get this baby out of you and get on with your life, but the beauty of being pregnant, with child or song, is that you can’t just tell what’s growing inside you’ve got a flight to catch or a deadline to meet or things to do. You’ve just got to wait…. and wait and wait and wait and while you wait, you give your baby a name and you knit it a (CD) jacket.


Labor is difficult. No matter how hard you’ve planned and prepared for it, it hurts. It’s scary, full of uncertainty, and always takes longer than you’d like. But in the end, after the wait and the labor and the pain and the worry and the anxiety, you’ve got something in your hands that is as precious as your own breath. You’ve got something that truly reflects your heart and soul. You’ve got something that lives and breathes just for you, all because you took the time and love to birth it.

Maternity Leave:
Exhausted and overwhelmed, you hibernate for 3 months tending to your baby’s every need. You watch it grow before your own eyes into a shrink-wrapped and swaddled CD ready for the road.


Pre-school:
This. Touring.

Day 70 – “Returning to my Childhood Home” – March 23, 2000

I’m driving back to the studio when I pass my old address, 135 Central Park West, the one with the flat my new album’s named after (#Apt. 6S). The doorman outside is unfamiliar and though I’m seriously contemplating looking for a parking spot and trying to go in, I wonder how I’d explain myself to the austere new doorman. I imagine myself approaching under the iron-clad awning in overalls and green Patagonia fleece and saying something ridiculous like, “Hi, you don’t know me, but trust me, I used to live here and I’d like to go to the 6th floor and take a little look at my old childhood stomping grounds if that’s OK.” The idea seems absurd but before I know it, I’ve parked, slipped my little red camera into my pocket, and locked the door.

The gray-blue stairs of my childhood feel narrower underfoot than I remembered. The last time I walked them they’d hosted at least a dozen voracious paparazzi trying to wrestle my image from my face. My brother and I were adept at the camera dance and knew to take cover under hoods and collars to avoid them, as though they were a sudden rainstorm.


Today there are no cameras, nothing to fear or avoid. But I feel more uncomfortable than ever confronting the tall, Slavic doorman in the lobby. “I’m making an album named after an apartment here that I grew up in, #6S,” I gulp when my intro is met with a suspicious sideways glance. “I don’t know. Would be possible to let me up for just a second? I’d love to take a picture of my old door for my liner notes. Would that be OK?” I’m sure he thinks it is not OK. But, you can’t judge a book by its cover. The new Russian doorman not only believes my story but is delighted to know I’m naming my album something relating to the building. He calls the new tenants and sure enough, I’m invited up.


As I walk the mosaiced hallways down the red strip of carpet, memories flood back. I recall practicing cartwheels with my friend Lark Previn, one of Mia Farrow’s kids, after ballet lessons. Once we’d navigated the grippy hands of the paparazzi outside, we’d uncover our jacketed heads and in long braids and peach leotards, do round-offs and back handsprings down the broad red carpet to the elevator. Lark, second eldest after Soon Yi, always accompanied me to the 6th floor so we could practice our moves a little longer in the 12-foot floor-to-ceiling mirror outside our door.

Lark & Sal

Waiting for the elevator—the same elevator I once measured my growth by the numbered buttons I could reach—I look up at the crystal chandelier still awkwardly missing gems my brother and his friends used to jump to knock down for their shiny, clear teardrop collections.


The mirror on the 6th floor still warps in the center, making me appear slimmer and taller. I ring the back doorbell and it chims its familiar (still-broken) chime, “Ding, futz,” “ding, futz.”
A small, Latina house cleaner wearing distrust across her brow lets me in even though her boss is out and she wonders out loud about the consequences of her actions. She follows me closely in her head tilted, small-stepping way as I tour my old home in what I hope is the least threatening way possible. I don’t touch walls or handles and let the cleaner reveal what she thinks prudent to show me.


My old room has been converted into an office but still has the white shelves that once housed my dolls. The back alley view from my old window with its cast iron grate looks the same as usual as does the long white built-in closet but none of this is mine. I packed up my memories long ago and I realize I am only a ghost here. Most likely, a ghost that’s making the cleaner nervous.

The photo I took that day of Apt #6S front door

I thank her and leave Apt. #6S with its view of Central Park and slimming mirror and chandelier with its missing prisms and as I thank the doorman and descend the paparazziless steps I feel a little hollow but at peace.


At the studio, Mike and I work late (till after 3:00 am). Neither of us in any shape to drive back to the city, we set up an impromptu slumber party on Whitney’s white, leather couches. We use our jackets as blankets and elbows as pillows. Morning comes too soon but we open our eyes with determination and enthusiasm for This is it. The finish line. This is our last day in the studio!

…..Of course, there’s still more to do—mastering, artwork for the CD, The creation of a press kit and launching of a PR campaign, booking a new tour to promote the album (with our BRAND NEW BOOKING AGENT JONATHAN SHANK!!!!), Getting CDs pressed and getting our new drummer rehearsed. But the album, for all intents and purposes, is finished.


I am the proud mama of 13 new bouncing baby songs. And I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Something nobody yet knows. We’re gonna combine “How Can I” and “Bicycle” to make one long 12th track and throw in a hidden “sally as a little girl ‘pumpkin song’” in between, just to give people something fun to find if they leave the CD running too long. So now you’re in the know! Thanks for following along on this record-making journey. Enjoy…

Mixing Schedule

Day 67 – “Naming the Album 6S” – March 20, 2000

I grew up on the Upper West Side of New York City with a sprawling view of Central Park from apartment “Success.” At least that’s what I heard my parents say when they directed the local grocer for deliveries or their fabulous, bangle-wearing friends for parties. It made sense, after all — my famous parents lived in an apartment called “Success.”  Of course, they did and, of course, my brother and I lived there with them; born into success, not owners as such, but entitled squatters.  It was only when I started writing pen pals that my understanding was shattered.

“In the return address,” my mom dictated, “you’ll write Sally Taylor, 135 C.P.W Apt #6S NYC 10023.”

“How do you spell ‘Success'” I asked.

“A-P-T period. The number 6 and the letter S,” she directed, unaware she was shattering a belief I’d held since birth. Alas, apartment “Success” was only ever apartment #6S (Floor 6, Southern facing apartment).  “Success” was as illusory as the great and powerful Wizard of OZ. #6S was The Man (woman and children who lived) Behind the Curtain; A real address with real lives and problems and joys and failures and, yes, successes too.

I’ve decided to name this second album after my birth address “Apt. #6S” to remind me where I come from; both a delicious, outrageous illusion, and a geographic address as real and permanent as its bricks and mortar.  

This CD is a dedication to making success where you live.


APT #6S will be released in early May and will be available online from this website and at shows.

Day 64 – “Spirulina Frosting is Disgusting” – March 17, 2000

Today is El Blanco’s birthday. It’s also St. Patrick’s Day. I decided to cater to his health-conscious side and strolled up to ‘The Health Nuts’ on 99th and Broadway. After careful deliberation, I opted for a pair of shamrock green health food cookies to celebrate, in lieu of a birthday cake. The sandalwood-smelling attendant at the front of the shop was excited when I placed the cookies, alongside a stack of color therapy, chakra, rainbow sunglasses, on the counter. “These are delicious,” the shopkeep pointed at my cookies, emphasizing the ‘lich.’ “The frosting’s spirulina, sugar, and water,” she explained, throwing in some complementary candles when I mentioned they were for a birthday.

When I presented them at the studio, Mike was deeply touched. Behind the sound console, he blew out his candles and we toasted our twin cookies. His reaction to the first bite inspired excitement in me but the second that cookie hit my mouth I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. I spit it out like I’d been stung by a bee. “Yuck, yuck, yuck.” I wiped my tongue down with an ultra-compostable health food napkin as Michael laughed at me. “That thing is wretched!” I apologized. Mike, with a mouth full of green frosting, responded honestly, “I like it just fine.” “But spirulina should NEVER be dressed up as a sweet. It’s just rude!” I insisted. “That’s like putting a fish in a prom dress.” Spirulina is a foul, though healthy, sulphuric, fishy, seaweed-tasting blue-green algae that, even after being ejected from my mouth, managed to cling to my back molars aided by the rest of the cookie’s intractable health food ingredients. I slipped on a pair of my new yellow lensed color therapy glasses for ‘cheerfulness, clarity, and creativity’ and handed El Blanco the green pair for ‘Peace, and harmony’ “…and love of spirulina” I added.


We mixed throughout the stormy, rainy March day. I had yogurt for breakfast, yogurt, and applesauce for lunch, and yogurt and applesauce with honey for dinner.

“All This Time” has been stuck in my head, playing in the background of my dreams, no doubt the result of mixing it exclusively for the past two days. “Tangle… tangled… tangled up… tangled up in city lights swearing… swear… swearing,” stutters out of the speakers as Mike plays, rewinds, plays, rewinds, and slowly deconstructs each track to build the song back up to perfection.

Mixing is truly El Blanco’s superpower. He’s a wizard at it, able to sustain both a holistic vision of a song while tinkering like a skilled mechanic at the cogs of bass notes and the textures of vowels. It’s astounding to watch him work on a mix. Right now, he’s listening with squinted ears for the perfect EQ, the best reverb, and the proper shape of every syllable of every word. When he finds the right settings, he’ll ride the track* to make everything sound perfect… well, as perfect as it can sound. Mike’s the man! The birthday boy man!


Footnote:
*Ride the Track: Refers to the process of using automation to adjust the volume levels dynamically throughout a track. Riding a track ensures that certain elements of the track, such as vocals or instruments, maintain a consistent presence and balance within the mix, compensating for any natural fluctuations in volume. This approach helps achieve a more polished and professional sound.

Day 61 – “Mixing” – March 14, 2000

We’re finally done recording at Timber Trails (YAY/Thank GOD) and Mike and I have moved our recorded tracks East. We’ve been invited to mix* our album in Whitney Houston’s home studio in Mendham, New Jersey. So far there’s no sight or sign of “The Voice,” and El Blanco thinks there’s little chance we’ll run into her over the next three weeks. “It’s probably better that way,” I tell him, “I’d no doubt embarrass us both with my fawning all over her.” The grounds are impeccable. The studio walls are a rich purple and the luxurious leather sofas are white as snow. We spent the morning moving into our new studio (much relieved to be out of Chris Wright’s, Timber Trails) and the afternoon preparing to mix.

Preparation for mixing involves a laborious process of inventorying each track, adjusting settings, checking tones, and notching pesky frequencies.* A loud 2K feedback rings out of the monitors.


I imagine this is what an ant’s amplified death cry sounds like. The ring stops temporarily before piercing the air again … and again … and again until that damn ring has found a home in my left ear.


It’s the sound of silver
It’s traffic
It’s the sensation of biting into an overly frozen raspberry popsicle with your back teeth
It’s tinsel
It’s nasal spray
It’s too much coffee
It’s the sound of exes echoing complaints years after their last fight
It’s annoying.


As a means of defense, I have a full bottle of Bach Rescue Remedy in my purse (now half empty), essential oils, chocolate, a picture of my brother, my knitting, and most importantly, earplugs.


Footnotes:

  • Mixing: Mixing a record happens once all parts (drums, bass, guitar, strings, horns, vocals, etc.) are recorded. It is the process of balancing various elements of each song to ensure they complement each other. It includes balancing levels, panning, EQing, adding effects, automation, and creating cohesion to shape the final sound and prepare the album for mastering (the final polish before distribution).
  • Notching Frequencies: Eliminating unwanted frequencies that can muddy the mix or cause issues. This process includes identifying and reducing frequencies that may cause problems, such as feedback, resonance, or muddiness. This fine-tuning ensures clarity and a cleaner sound.

Day 57- “My Dad’s a Badass” – March 10, 2000

I’m coming down with something. My nose is runny to match the watering of my eyes and the pounding of my head. It was a mistake to think I could fly to New York Monday and then back the next day to lay down horns without compromising my immune system. But there was no way in HELL I was going to miss my pop getting inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Paul McCartney did the induction honors. He was lighthearted and loose. He talked about the start of The Beatle’s record label “Apple,” back in the 60s and how after looking for some talent to put on it, came across a recording of some “haunting” guy who could really sing and play the guitar. They signed James Taylor immediately as one of their first artists. Paul handed the mic off to my dad with a hug. Pop was dressed n black looking not unlike the award he was presented.


Handsome, humble and hysterical my dad held his shiny, new chrome statue in hand. He thanked everyone from his mother to his tour bus company for helping him receive the honor and then, looking severely at the weapon-like statue in his hand said, “I only hope one of these doesn’t fall into the hands of someone desperate enough to use it.” He was a champ and it was a thrill and honor to watch him along with my brother, grandmother and his “snookums” and fiancé Kim, be recognized and embraced by his musical community.


But now, I’m sick and for the past 4 hours (no exaggeration) we’ve been trying to move a horn section on “Fall For Me,” into place. My ears don’t work right anymore. There comes a point in listening to a track where I can predict where flaws are coming and mentally prepare my brain to adjust my ears so that I don’t hear the blemishes. It’s a very odd and frustrating phenomenon. While there isn’t a specific term for it, the concept relates to how brains anticipate musical patterns. The ear develops expectations based on a song’s structure, and when something deviates from that structure (like a mistake), experienced listeners can (intentionally or unintentionally) anticipate it and adjust their focus. I might leave the studio tonight thinking everything sounds perfect, only to return tomorrow to find an entire vocal track racing, or pitchy or missing a lyric. It’s infuriating.


Time does not pass; it just piles up on itself like dirty laundry. It’s 9:45 when I glance at the clock. Then, after what seems like 20 minutes I look again and it’s only 9:47. Two slender minutes have passed and I’m glaring at time as though my intimidating expression might speed the second hand around the racetrack perimeter of my watch face.

I’m in no immediate rush. The rush is not against the minutes but against the months and so I push on fragile seconds to get home, to get to the studio, to get to the next song, to get the artwork done, to get to the plane, to get to New York next Monday, to get this album mixed down, to get this album mastered, to get it pressed, and packaged, to get the band rehearsed and out on the road and promote it. And so I rush it all toward an uncertain future, as though my intimidating expression might speed the second hand around the racetrack perimeter of my watch face.


And now it’s 9:50 and I’m still sick but also still grateful I got to see my dad inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. You’re a badass dad.

Martha’s Vineyard, MA – “Gig with Mom” – February 27, 2000

I flew home to Martha’s Vineyard on Monday. The winter landscape was purple and honey and the water undulated in a metallic cerulean dress. We rehearsed all week, my mother my brother, and I, for a concert in New Orleans that’s scheduled for tomorrow. My mom doesn’t like to perform period, so rehearsals are mandatory not only to tighten up the band but to loosen up the mom.

While I’d hopped a United economy seat to Boston before a two-hour Peterpan Bus and a ferry to The Vineyard, I was leaving the island in style. Yes, indeed. I’m currently writing from the belly of a cush private plane en route to NOLA. There are platters of cheese & crackers, sushi, and mini omelets. There’s champagne and linen napkins and seats that, not only recline but pivot 180º. I feel VERY spoiled. There are pros and cons to having famous parents. This is a pro. The plane parts the sky like a comb through straight hair and the pilot addresses us personally when he tells us what we can expect from the flight.


But as clutch as my surroundings are, while I’m writing it doesn’t much matter where I am physically— I could be anywhere; in the back seat of Moby, the Alaskan outback or the waiting room of my dentist’s office because I’m not where my feet are. I’m in my own little world. I spend the majority of every day here; daydreaming, remembering, foreseeing, creating, conversing with my better angels, and conspiring with my little devils. The world I escape into is sort of like the “I Dream of Jeannie” bottle. It has velvet cushions and taffeta drapes and is built from a lifetime of amalgamated fragrances and fabrics and love scenes I once watched on TV. In my head, I’m always in luxury because I really love my life, even when it’s challenging, it’s always got cheese platters, 180º swivel chairs on demand, and duct tape to fix almost any situation. It does not, however, have sushi so I must admit, it’s a total plus to come out of my Jeannie bottle, grab a little California roll, and a smidge of wasabi before heading back into my bottle for the next paragraph.

What it feels like to go into my writing world


I’m excited about Mom’s gig but it couldn’t be coming at a worse time. The record is left unfinished back in Colorado. I feel it sitting inside me like an unmade bed. It’s hard to leave a project undone and unchaperoned, especially in that zoo of a home studio back in Boulder. But I’m crossing my fingers and toes that nothing bad will happen in my absence and that I’ll be refreshed and ready to dash to the finish line when I return.

Day 28 – “Sometimes Hums Along” – February 10, 2000

There is a draft in my heart. I try to shutter the door against it but the cold gets in. I am pregnant with a sorrow that tosses in my belly, kicking to be born into song. I go through Kipp withdrawals 6-7 times a day. Sometimes they manifest when I’m feeling lonely and instinctively want to call him to tell him something funny or ask his advice about something I’m unsure of. I miss him at bedtime. I miss him in his kitchen at Timber Trails making breakfast and matte. I miss him at night, out on the town dancing his unique straight-arm dance. Most of all, I miss the man who was my best friend—the one I shared my time, secrets, fears, joys, body, dreams, and life with for the past two years. Now, he’s gone, and I hide in the studio, away from the ghost of Kipp who still lingers in my home. Ugg, my home with its unmade bed, unwatered plants, sleepless nights, and screaming phone. Ugg, my kitchen with its haunted faucet that drips, drips, drips into my subconscious, blending with an assortment of hums, mumbles, and sighs.

To make the situation more confusing, in the midst of losing Kipp as my boyfriend, my brother has decided to take him on as his manager. I have no idea how to navigate this situation.

Thank God for my mama. She’s been there for me through all of this. All my instability, regrets, fears, anger, and insecurities. Last night, she stayed on the phone with me until my tears sealed my eyes shut, then lullabied me into a stream of dreams. She managed to give minimal advice—just comfort, which is all I really wanted, not a cure. Definitely not a cure. A cure would require energy I just don’t have right now. This morning as the dull winter light haunted my room, she called just in time to distract me from my impending woes. She told me she’d found photos of herself in the studio from when she was pregnant with me. One of them had a speech bubble she’d written at the time that prophetically read, “Hey mom, let me out, I’ve gotta sing my song.” She read me old-school reports from when I was six as I drove north up Broadway, and stayed on the phone making me laugh until the mountains around the studio ate our cell reception.


In the newfound silence, I was consumed again by my grief. Boulder was white—like frozen breath, blank sheets on the bed, Clorox, sheep, sightless eyes that cannot sleep. There was nothing outside except white, as though someone in charge made a typo in the morning and ended up whiting out the entire day.

I grabbed my guitar from the trunk and walked, coffee in hand, through the narrow parking area towards the studio. I was looking down at my mug to make sure I didn’t spill when I walked straight into a 13-foot pole saw tied to the roof of Chris Wright’s midsize Mitsubishi. For anyone unfamiliar with this style of tree-trimming device, it’s a combination of a scythe and saw attached to a long pole used to reach high limbs. These tools are notoriously sharp in order to accommodate the user’s lack of leverage from the ground. The blade struck me right between the eyes and before I made it through the door I could feel blood pouring down the bridge of my nose, cascading down my chin and dripping into my mouth. Soucy put ice on it and some lavender oil. Chris Wright arrived as Soucy was patching me up. He was in striped pajama bottoms slurping milk from a bowl of Captain Crunch, and between bites mumbled something about “gotta watch where you’re going.” It’s official; I hate Chris Wright.


We’re working on vocals for “Without Me,” which seems appropriate. It’s a song about how lonely and hollow it feels to be loved when you’re disassociated and without yourself.

I know there is a day outside
A night or a starless dawn
I’ve seen her out there smiling
Just off the front porch lawn
She’s sitting up impatiently
In her best wedding gown
She’s waiting for the spring to come
And though she has no voice for song

I feel she enjoys listening
And sometimes hums along.