Salt Lake City, UT – “The Terrible, Terrible, TERRIBLE Misunderstanding” – The Zephyr – June 30, 2000

SLC was as hot as a skillet when we arrived at The Zephyr.  In the green room, I dressed in my brand-new black rubber pants.  So did Soucy.  That may have been where the trouble began.  The boys said I looked hot and that Soucy reminded them of a fishing lure.  To accompany his plastic pants, Soucy made the bold choice of a python print button-down — an outfit that I’m pretty sure, almost cost us our lives.

The show was a little slow to start but by the end of the night the joint was jumping.  Everyone was dancing.  A hot little blond was gyrating in front of Soucy “The Lure,” and he beelined it to her after the show.  Having caught her, hook, line, and python shirt, he reeled her in backstage.

“Cindy here, has invited us to a party back at her house.  Who’s in?”  Soucy lifted his eyes hoping to bait one of us into being his wingman for the night.

“I’m pretty exhausted.”  I apologized and the rest of the band nodded in agreement.

“Awe come on guys, this is the last night of the tour,” said Soucy,  “Let’s get into it!”

“Come on,” said Cindy, bubbly as a candy wrapper, “I’ve got a bed if you want to crash and I make a mean breakfast.”

I knew Soucy needed me if he was going to try to get with Cindy and I figured I could always use a good night’s sleep on a real, non-hometel bed. 

“Sure what the heck,”  I gave in. Soucy mouthed “THANK YOU!” to me in bold letters as he escorted Cindy out of the green room.

Unfortunately, the night did not unfold the way either Soucy or I had planned it.  There was, in fact, no party at Cindy’s house.  Though we thought it odd she’d advertised one, it mattered little to Soucy’s smooching agenda or my sleeping plans.  What DID matter to us was that Cindy’s house was a tiny studio apartment with only one bed and over that one bed, hung a life-sized poster of James Taylor!!!! It was the only art on the wall!!!  Hmmmm.  This is unfortunate I thought to myself, pretty well convinced we were about to be murdered. 

Cindy locked the door behind us and as the bolt slid into the lock she machine-gunned my least favorite questions at me “What was it like growing up?” “Were there a lot of drugs?” “Do you like your parent’s music?” “Which of their music do you like more?” I stared daggers into Soucy who looked at once terrified and sheepish in his lure outfit. 

Next, Cindy suggested we watch the video she’d just made for her boyfriend who’d “mysteriously” died in a snowshoeing accident.  She chain-smoked Camel lights as the three of us sat nervously on the edge of her strawberry-print, ruffled bedspread.  Ten minutes into her creepy video, I excused myself.  “I’m so sorry, I’m super tired.  I think I might need to turn in.  No need to stop the video, I’ll just sleep on the couch over there,”  I said, pointing to a long cushioned stool next to a fabric room divider.

“No, no.  You two take my bed.  I’ll take the couch,” she said, moving toward the sofa. Soucy and I looked at one another, breaking into a nervous, silent laughter that was almost painful to try to contain.  As we climbed into opposite sides of her small twin bed, Soucy looked at me with saucer-sized eyes and whispered “There’s been a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE misunderstanding.”

At this point, the lights in the studio apartment went black, Sarah McLachlan came on, and Cindy shouted over Building a Mystery in explanation… “To sleep too…”

I bit my fist hard so as not to laugh and as I stared weepingly at Soucy, Cindy suddenly and without warning, launched herself out of the darkness, landed in between us and, under my father’s watchful eye, tried to make out with both of us.  I turned my head just in time and slid my body sideways off the bed.  While Soucy occupied Cindy’s mouth, I felt my way through the dark and Sarah McLachlan’s caramel-y voice to the couch/stool and curled up in a fetal position praying for morning to come so.

I didn’t get much sleep, but I am very happy to report that neither Soucy or I got murdered and the boys managed to track us down in the morning.  Ahhhh-nother adventure in SLC.